Anxiety and Never-Not

The Belle Jar

I have never not been a worrier.

I can’t remember a time when the unappeasable spectre of What If wasn’t buried somewhere deep in my brain. It’s been there since before I can remember; certainly before I had any real names for it. Before I had words like anxiety or apprehension or intrusive thoughts, it was there, shivering and electric.

I say never not instead of always, because the former implies the possibility of an absence.

As a kid, I was obsessed with the binary of good/bad. There were good kids, like Heather, who smiled and ate everything on her plate and did whatever she told and never seemed to feel squinched up and mean inside. Then there were kids like Jay, who used art time exclusively to draw pictures of penises urinating some kind of black tar-like substance. It seemed pretty clear to me early on which side of the…

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Don’t Judge the Outside: There’s More


This picture is so powerful. Many people don’t realize that a smiling face, a laugh, one happy picture, it doesn’t tell the whole story. We live in a world where we are forever being judged. Depression, can be one of the most misunderstood illnesses. People think to be depressed, you have to “look” depressed. What exactly does this look like? Maybe dark circles under your eyes, a pale face, sitting alone, tears streaming down your cheeks, etc. Personally, for me, this is what depression looks like when i’m alone in my bedroom. I don’t want other people to see depression. I don’t want them to know what it’s like or what it “looks” like. I don’t think i’m just speaking for myself when I say this picture is depression. Laughing in public can be depression. Smiling but then turning away when no one’s looking, can be depression. Pictures with your family and friends on vacation can be depression. Depression does not see, It feels. It feels deep. “Fake it till you make it” has become a motto of mine. It basically describes this picture. It says to show how everyone how strong you are and soon you’ll even believe it yourself.

Long Time Love

I was recently at the airport waiting for my brother to arrive. It  had been a long day.. my feet hurt, I had a headache, and the security was really tight. As time was going by pretty quickly yet slowly at the same time, I was watching all of the family, friends, and loved ones who were being reunited as they just came off of the plane. Some ran into each other’s arms, others held signs up and were ecstatic.  What really caught my eye though, was this one particular couple. There was this older man, who looked to be in his 80’s. He was standing by himself for a minute. I traced where his eyes were locked with my head as his wife walks around the corner of the airport. This man had the biggest smile on his face that I had ever seen in the longest time. As his wife got closer to him, he took her bags and gave her the biggest, warmest hug. The woman’s face was adorable with a beautiful smile. They walked away with his arm around her while he carried her bag. Witnessing this small action made my mood ten times better. Who knew just standing in an airport, you can be inspired. This is the true definition of love lasting a lifetime.